Friday, January 28, 2011

I HATE TO ALWAYS BOTHER GOD, SO I FOUND A SAINT WHO SPECIALIZES

As every good Catholic knows God is incredibly busy dealing with important matters.  It would seem unconscionable then, to constantly be distracting Him with frivolous things; such as where we put our car keys, for example.  To this end the Catholic Church thoughtfully provides its faithful with patron saints for these lesser matters.  To those unfamiliar with this concept these are simply saints with a particular area of expertise.  Saints who specialize, so to speak.  My "go to guy" happens to be St. Anthony, and the two of us have developed a very strong bond.
The reason I became so well acquainted with St. Anthony is that I no longer can remember anything.  I am constantly losing things, forgetting important dates, and, generally speaking, unable to retain any information that anyone happens to relay to me after more than 2 or 3 minutes have elapsed.  In fact, on many occasions it doesn't even take me THAT long to forget what someone has told me.  The reason for this is, of course, that I am married and have children.
As any woman can tell you the moment you say your wedding vows your husband will begin to ask you to remember things for him.  He will ask you to remember to pack him a lunch, or perhaps to remember to buy his mother a gift on her birthday.  This will be followed by his asking you to remember every single living relatives' birthday on both sides of the family, and to purchase all the gifts that they will ever receive on their birthday or on Christmas, including your own children.  This will continue for the duration of your entire marriage. He will not  be reciprocal about this arrangement either.  If , for example, you ask him to remember to pick up his socks, or to throw out the garbage he will PRETEND that he is willing to remember this for you, but in reality that is never going to happen.  No, your husband's intent is to save all the space in his memory for important things, like the names of every player who was on the 1968 Detroit Tigers, and every single play that happened up to and including the World Series that year.  He will be successful at it too, because he has a wife who is willing to waste all the valuable space in her own memory, so that his is free to remember all those very important sporting statistics, as well as the years that every song or movie in all of history were produced.
Then, of course, there are your children.  They too, will use up all the space in your memory remembering things for them, but for entirely different reasons.  They need all the space in their own memory so that they will have total recall of every single mistake that their mother has made over the course of her entire lifetime. They will use this information, in later years, to win arguments.  By that time their mother will have so little recall, that she will, quite often, become confused, and unable to defend herself.  I will give you an example:
"Girls, I asked you to clean this house while I was gone, and none of you have done a single thing.  That is very irresponsible of you."
"Really Mom?  I find it rather shocking that you would choose to call us irresponsible after what you did."
"What are you talking about? What did I do?"
"Well, do you remember when Holly was in preschool?  You forgot to pick her up, and Grandpa John had to go and get her.  She was traumatized.  Don't you think that was irresponsible?"
"Wait a minute...I don't remember that.  And what does that have to do with cleaning the house?  Plus, that was almost 20 years ago. How do you remember that?"
"Oh, we all remember that.  It was horrible."
"Yeah mom, Holly still cries a little when she talks about it."
 "How could you have done that mom?"
"Well...I don't know....I feel terrible now that you mention it. I do vaguely remember Grandpa John having to go pick up Holly.  You're right!  I am a terrible mother.  Here, take all the money in my purse, and go out to eat or something.  I will just clean the house myself.  I should never have asked you to do it.  I AM irresponsible."
"Well, okay mom...if you insist, but we're not sure if Holly is ever going to get over it."
If  I am lucky, hours later I will begin to recall the incident that they were talking about.
"Hey, wait a minute!!!!  I didn't forget to pick up Holly!!!  The twins hid my car keys in the holes in the back of the kitchen chairs.  They were pretending the holes were a car ignition, and the keys got stuck in them.  I didn't find those keys until dinner time when Dave sat down in the chair and got jabbed by a car key.  That was why I called Grandpa John to pick up Holly!!!  I am not irresponsible."
Of course, by then the house will be cleaned and I will forget to correct the girls when they return back home.  This is, of course, due to the fact that THEY HAVE USED UP ALL OF MY MEMORY!
Thankfully, even though my mind is completely gone now, and I have no means to remember where I parked my car in the parking lot where I shop, or where I put my keys so that I can get into the car if I should happen to find it, I still have the Catholic Church to come to my rescue.  I don't even have to bother God, because  I have a Saint who specializes in exactly this kind of situation.  In my case, as I mentioned, I go directly to St. Anthony.  I looked him up in the guide to Patron Saints, and was delighted with what I found.  St. Anthony helps people find lost things; like one's mind, for instance.  Coincidentally, he is also the Patron Saint of donkeys.  Frankly, I believe that is why he likes me so much.  I have often been told that I am a jackass who is always losing things.  We're perfect for each other.

4 comments:

  1. has st anthony helped you find...say a pair of diamond earrings...or...an umbrella...or say the other half of a pair of socks???? i love you and this blog amy...don't stop writing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. thank you best friend. i am sorry that i lost the pair of diamond earrings that you bought me...and the umbrella...and the pedometer....etc. etc. etc. why do you put up with me?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, my beliefs are that forgetfulness on the part of a woman is due to just plain old age.
    On the part of a man however; forgetfulness is not forgetfulness at all, but more like selctive hearing as he matures (men don't age).
    Warner

    ReplyDelete